I just realized…
… that maybe I don’t miss you specifically, maybe I just miss that time of my life. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I took it for granted in a way. Maybe I miss how easy it all was even though I really did make it as difficult as I possibly could for myself. How stupid of me. How childish. Now, I’m not saying I’m miserable, but my life is literally different in every single possible way. Sometimes I have a hard time recognizing the person that I was. I guess I can blame it on age, but the fact of the matter is that maybe it was a combination of comfort and age. I never thought that my life would change. I always thought that the people who were there would remain there forever and well I’m both sad and grateful. Sad that I lost some of the most important people in my life, but grateful that the people who hurt me on purpose are gone. Unfortunately thought he was one of those people that hurt me on purpose. He chose her instead of realizing that I understood that I had made a mistake. C’est la vie, right? Live and learn.
I had a dream the other night that I was watching you marry her. I woke up frantic and upset. Honestly, I don’t even really know why it still bothers me so much. Maybe I’m just jealous that on the surface she has what I want. She has a good man, who has a wonderful loving family, who has a stable career that she can depend on and that most importantly she is stable herself. They own a home, they’re able to go on vacation they’re able to do all of the things that I want to be doing, but can’t because I have chosen to put my life on hold. Why am I doing this again? Why am I sacrificing my life for the benefit of someone else? I actually just said in my head “well what else would I be doing” as if I had no choice. The truth is that I really do want to be here. Sad, angry and or jealous I am here because I want to be.
